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Keep the Passion flowing

We all know those couples who start out hot and heavy, barely able to keep their hands off each other long enough to watch a movie. But what about after a few years or even a few decades of being together?

Sunday, Jul 01, 2007 | 2584 Views | Comments [View/Post]

The road to lifelong passion is rarely a smooth one. While some couples never seem to tire of each other, other duos seem to lose their sexual momentum over the years. Children, long days and nights at the office, and competing schedules can wreak havoc on a couple's sex life.

There is, in fact, a biological basis for the waning libido, says Ian Kerner, Ph.D., a sex therapist in New York City and author of She Comes First (HarperCollins, 2004) and He Comes Next (HarperCollins, 2006).

"It's actually very natural for people to lose a bit of the spark," he says. "When you first meet, you excrete a lot of dopamine, which is a neurotransmitter that generates a feeling of arousal, excitement and exhilaration. As you move into a long-term relationship, dopamine levels lower and a lot of couples get stuck in the 'desire gap,' which means they now have to work at it, whereas before they didn't."

So how do you keep the passion flowing in a long-term relationship? Take these five tips.

Vary your patterns

When you first started dating, making love was probably surprising and full of novelty. But now that you know the ins and outs of each other's bedside manner, you'll have to vary your routine to keep the element of surprise.

"Don't get stuck in a pattern or routine," says sexuality educator Ellen Friedrichs of New York. "Something as simple as moving your sex play from the bedroom to the living room or having sex in the morning if you usually do it at night can make sex seem less routine."

Maintain your identity

In our culture, we have this idea that couples who are joined at the hip are the happiest, but it's precisely the ones who maintain active and separate identities outside their marriage who have the most satisfying sex lives.

"Couples who stay attracted to each other remain individuated and grow outside the relationship," says Kerner. "They are not locked into the relationship; it's not their sole identity.

"Leading a rich, rewarding life outside of the relationship leads to rich, rewarding lives inside the bedroom. It's crucial to sustaining sexual chemistry in your relationship."

So while you wouldn't want to neglect your partner, taking the time to do more things on your own like going to a museum, joining pals for dinner at a new restaurant or taking a class will work wonders for your sex life.

Prepare to work

If you didn't have to work at your sex life when you and your partner first met, it's natural to resent the fact that you now have to make more effort to keep the flames burning.

"A waning sex life isn't a sign that you and your partner aren't compatible," says Friedrichs. "It is true that for some people a sexual connection is effortless. However, for the majority of us, our sexual relationships, like all others in our lives, will need to be discussed, examined and, yes, worked on at some point in order to stay satisfying and avoid becoming stagnant."

Don't freak out

Just because your sex life is on the blink, that doesn't mean you need to panic. Every couple faces sexual difficulties or fluctuations from time to time.

There's no magic number of times you need to have sex every week to have a healthy relationship, so don't compare yourselves to your younger selves or other couples. The key is to find out what's comfortable for you both today.

Stay connected

With so much talk about lust, you may wonder, "What about love?" How do love and intimacy affect the state of our sexual unions?

Emotional intimacy is a major part of sustaining a strong sexual connection, says marriage and family therapist Susan Scott Hennings of San Jose, Calif.

"At the beginning, novelty and sometimes risk are enough to make sex exciting," Hennings says. "But after you've made love a few hundred times, it's your sense of candor, humor, adventure, acceptance, authenticity and caring that will spark continued lust.

"Maintaining your nonsexual connection will fuel and more easily spark your sexual one."



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